I wrote my first romance when I was 15 years old. It was a collaborative effort with my friend, Karen, a fellow closet Mills & Boon reader. Our book was called A Promise of Passion and featured Lucien and Francesca (sentimentally named after the heroine in the first M&B I ever read). Following M&B tradition, he was a tycoon and she was a secretary. There was the prerequisite villainess of an ex-fiancee called Krystal, and an anatomically incorrect sex scene.
We worked feverishly on our literary masterpiece. When it was finished, we sent it off, convinced we were going to be the next Penny Jordan. So we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Finally, more than a year after we’d sent the manuscript, we got a response. The editor politely, but firmly, rejected it and suggested we “get a little life experience” before submitting material again. Naturally, we were distraught. Was it the direction of Lucien’s manhood during the sex scene which put her off? Or was it the purple prose?
With hindsight, the book was atrocious. We acquired a copy of the now notorious The Romance Writers’ Phrase Book and peppered our prose with as many of its ‘descriptive tags’ as possible. To say that it made for clunky reading is putting it mildly.
For anyone not familiar with The Romance Writers’ Phrase Book, it’s a collection of over 3000 descriptive tags taken from romance novels. The aim is to provide inspiration for aspiring writers. The book is divided into sections such as ‘Physical Characteristics’, ‘Body Movements’, ‘Facial Expressions’, and of course, ‘Sex’. It was written in 1984, so the authors had the full gamut of the very worst of 70s romances at their disposal.
While I’m not prepared to inflict the horror of A Promise of Passion on the world, I thought it would be fun to dig out The Romance Writers’ Phrase Book and try to write a paragraph using a few of the following randomly selected tags.
- His fingers stroked her arm sensuously p.21
- His stance emphasized the force of his thighs and the slimness of his hips p.14
- She couldn’t miss the musky smell of him as he pressed her closer p.115
- Her body began to vibrate with liquid fire p.132
- She spoke in a weak and tremulous whisper p.63
- Pulled by the vitality zinging through her p.116
- He exuded masculinity p.20
- Her senses reeled as if short circuited p.124
- Her flesh prickled at his touch p.116
- Nearly collapsing into the chair as her knees buckled p.30
Setting: A medieval romance featuring a knight, Rolf, and Brenna, a damsel in distress
Rolf’s fingers stroked her arm sensuously. Brenna let out an involuntary shudder of revulsion. She couldn’t miss the musky smell of him as he pressed her closer, and wondered when he’d last bathed. Overcome by the stench, her body began to vibrate with liquid fire. He exuded masculinity and it didn’t smell good. Gasping for breath, she spoke in weak and tremulous whispers. Pulled by the vitality zinging through her, Brenna shoved him from her and ran for her life.
So…anyone willing to give it a go?
{ 6 comments }
I’m scared
Of “her body vibrating with liquid fire”, or the anatomically incorrect sex scene?!
LMAO. Once I wake up, I might come up with something better, but for now, I’m just going to chuckle.
Hi Shiloh, ‘The Romance Writers’ Phrase Book’ reads like a gag book. Only it’s not…
What a hoot of a challenge! I’ll give it a go.
His vibrating short flesh collapsed in a zinging whisper. The pressing of his fingers, her thighs …… “SORRY MASTER….. CALCULATION EXPIRED – DATA TERMINATED….”
{ 1 trackback }